Whilst I was pregnant I dreamed of the days when the baby arrived and I’d wheel them around in my beautiful new pram to get coffee, meet friends for lunch and go to buggy workout classes, making the most of every day of my maternity leave.
What I couldn’t plan for was my emergency c-section, for my baby to be rushed back into hospital at 5 days old and to be anaemic as well as dealing with the beginning of the baby blues.
It’s so easy to look at beautiful Instagram pictures of new mums doing all those things with a smile on their faces but that’s not the real story for most new mums and I’ve found from speaking to other people that’s very very normal.
Our baby was so very wanted and meticulously planned for (another post for another time) and it made me worry why I didn’t to rush out here, there and everywhere with my new bundle of joy as the days ticked by.
My husband was lucky enough to have 2 weeks of paternity leave and after lots of encouragement I finally agreed to venture out into town for a coffee when K was about 10 days old. I insisted on staying in the car as the car ride was still really painful on my scar and that was it for another few days. I got straight back into my pyjamas, opened the door to friends whilst apologising for my appearance and even re-scheduled registering the baby until a later date because I just couldn’t face it.
Motherhood was tough, exhausting, scary and I felt totally out of my depth and not like those smiling, glossy new mums staring back at me from social media.
I’d been speaking to friends about feeling low, asking about their recoveries and whether they had felt like they just didn’t want to go out and do anything and lots of them assured me they had felt overwhelmed as well but the longer I left it the more I was panicking. My husband went back to work, my mum was now visiting a couple of times a week rather than every day and I’d still not gone out by myself.
Nearly 3 weeks after my son was born I had a really difficult visit from my health visitor. We’d had feeding issues, I was still feeling weak and wobbly from anaemia and was showing more signs of the baby blues and I could tell she was starting to worry about me.
She asked a lactation consultant to come and visit me and then said I should go and see her at the clinic that week to get K weighed again. She wouldn’t be coming to me, I’d have to go to her. I still remember feeling a lump in my throat as she said it; I felt like she was punishing me and just adding to my upset.
Thursday came and I had spent the morning faffing, packing and re-packing the bag and even google mapping where I needed to go and how long it would take despite it being minutes from home. I had no clothes that properly fit my bump less body so ended up wearing wintery maternity clothes despite it being roasting hot outside.
After the slowest walk imaginable I finally arrived at the children’s centre tired and feeling another wobble coming on. I was greeted by a smiley family worker who showed me a seat and took my bag whilst I struggled with the car seat.
As I filled in my baby’s details I felt my first mum win. I’d actually done it, just me and my baby, we’d got to our appointment safely and I felt like a real Mother. I didn’t even mind when he peed all over our health visitor on the scales because she seemed so pleased that we’d made it there as well!
It might seem like such a small thing to other people but to me it was huge. I know tough love won’t work in everyone’s case but for me that day gave me so much confidence in my abilities as a new mum. I was sore, shattered and sweaty (I mean really, really sweaty) but I had taken him out by myself and we had started making memories together; many of them still including unexpected peeing and I wouldn’t change it!